I am not a triskaidekaphobic.

I thought about responding to one of those "I wrote 25 things about myself that you don't know; now I want you to do the same thing." If I had, one of the things that you would be surprised to know about me is that I have a fear of pandemics.

My fear is not of disease or even dying of diseases, but more that there could be some disease that spreads from person to person, indiscriminately debilitating and killing worldwide. The fact that you cannot see diseases and often the warning signs do not appear before it is too late compounds my fears.

In the second grade I was so afraid that HIV/AIDS could be spread from something as innocuous as a band-aid that my mother took me to the Puget Sound Blood Center to learn about blood and the risks of disease transmission. Sometime later, I saw a preview for the movie "Outbreak" and it scare the bejebus out of me [note: I don’t believe in jebus]. I had nightmares about killer viruses for a solid year. It didn't help that Ebola was a real and incredibly deadly disease.

(I finally saw the movie last year and it was quite stupid, but the world map of the pandemic's growth still freaked me out a bit. I think part of me is just afraid of negative things with exponential growth. I also have a fear of overpopulation and destruction of the rainforests that started when I was smaller.)

For the most part, I have been able to temper my fear of pandemics. I even took an epidemiology class in university which was thoroughly fascinating. However, the re-emergence of a flu virus like that of the Spanish Flu is particularly worrisome. The fact that individuals with healthy immune systems are more susceptible is also alarming.

Nonetheless, I am calm. In part, I am calmed by the knowledge that there have been no reported cases of the swine flu in Cambodia. But mostly, I am calmed because most people are acting hysterical. I am speaking specifically about the people in the blogosphere who cannot help but spread misinformation and flaunt their ignorance. There really is nothing quite like hysterical people to prove that you have a rational, perhaps even healthy, fear of something.

Fear is sometimes respect wrapped up in paranoia. Respect is a good thing, for we must respect the gravity of the problem if we hope to defeat it. I just hope they defeat before it reaches me.

Worst day of work

Last Tuesday was probably the worst day of work for me, through no fault of my own. I entered work relatively cool-headed. I figured that the only disappointment that I would have to face would be jibes from my co-workers about losing the staff party. Instead, I received news that one of my students had been caught stealing an employee’s phone.

As the School Director, I got to sit in on the meeting where my general manager interrogated the student for an hour before dismissing her. As an added terrible bonus, I got to watch her cry streams of tears as she tried in the end to apologize and plead to stay.

When I looked up into her face, I felt as helpless as she did. I didn’t want this to happen in the first place, and I didn’t want this to be the outcome. I don’t think my GM wanted this either, but her hands were tied. She had dismissed a staff the previous month for the same offence.

As my HR director tried to gently coax the student out of the office, I could help but wonder if the situation would suck less if the student were one of the lower-performing ones instead of one of the best. I felt the sort heartache of betrayal, not that the now-ex-student had betrayed me, but the sort of cosmic betrayal that allows unnecessarily stupid and hurtful things to happen.

In spite of that feeling, and also feeling like I needed to cry and like I had been slapped in the face, I still had the responsibility to explain to the remaining students why this girl was dismissed. I tried to press on them the importance of respect; to respect others and their property, but more importantly to respect yourself and to make decisions like an adult.

Months or years later, I may look back on this as an important managerial experience or a good story to tell for an interview. Right now, my only feeling on the situation is that it sucks. I just had to kick out a student whose mother died in childbirth and whose father dumped her with his mother-in-law; a student who hadn’t made a mistake at school prior to this one; a student that I would describe as quiet but exceptionally friendly and helpful.

In spite of knowing that none of this is my fault, I can’t shake the feeling that I contributed to the overall suckiness of the situation. I also feel a great desire to set everything back in time and reverse what has been done, but I know that can’t happen. And knowing that I can’t change it sucks most of all.

I am going to take a long weekend and see a new city. Some friends said there was a circus there. I plan on returning on Monday and remembering that I love my job, even if not everything about it is lovely.