When I left for the United States, I knew that I needed a break from life in Cambodia. Cambodia is a wonderful place, but most foreigners who settle here also recognize the necessity to take refuge elsewhere from time to time. What I did not anticipate was the effect the United States would have on me.
While people often talk about reverse culture shock, I would not describe my experience as such. What I came to realize, perhaps again, was that the United States is a perfectly habitable place. More so, it is a place where I have great friends and family. Although I always knew those facts to be true, I often choose to forget them for the convenience that it offers when living abroad.
The challenges I faced re-acclimating to Cambodia were two-fold. First, Siem Reap is an ever-changing environment, with new foreigners coming and going, leaving their marks. This process of making and losing friends can be trying. Second, the time that I have already spent outside of the US throws into contrast what still lies ahead. Although my work here is valuable, the time I spend building a life here is time that I lose in the US.
I know that if I were to return to living in the United States, I would find my wanderlust grow and my ability to work in a fulfilling capcity limited. Ideally, the future would hold some sort of balance which would offer me the chance to live partially in the US and partially elsewhere. Such dicotomies seem difficult to obtain, and equally difficult to sustain once the pressures of one world bears upon the other.
What I am left with is the feeling that I am happy with my life as it exists now. However, I know in the back of my mind that my current circumstances are untenable. Sooner or later, something will give and I will be forced to make a decision on whether to stay, find a new location, or return home to regroup. Knowing the nature of one's change, but not the specifics compels one to search out that unknown. That search for those unknown specifics is the source of my discontent.
More specifically, I came to this conclusion as I lay happily on a pool-bed at a five-star hotel. I realized there, amid the women in bikinis, that although it might appear that I have reached a conclusion in the search for happiness, happiness does not stay in one place for long and I need to work to find out where it will be next.
(Or perhaps just discover someone with whom to share that happiness.)
